Not Black Like Me, Black Like Them : Confronting the Color Complex

I purchased a book titled "the darkest child" by Delores Phillips. I'd never heard of it, which is part of the reason I got it, in addition to the interesting theme examined in the novel. An impoverished young girl of ten siblings experiences prejudice and abuse at the hands of her mother because of her appearance. Although I haven't started reading it yet, the synopsis immediately forced me to think about prejudice and discrimination within the Black community and my own personal battle.

As hard as it may be to believe, I have a color complex that I still battle with today. In fact, for as long as I can remember, I've always had a color complex. Typically, the overwhelming color complex for Blacks is to be prejudiced toward those with darker skin. Unfortunately, it's one of those things that some won't admit but it's very much alive today. Those with fairer skin are preferred and even treated differently than those with darker skin. It's the classic house nigger vs field nigger controversy that's been perpetuated for centuries.

Growing up in New Orleans, I realized that the majority of people I came into contact with wanted to be with a "red," or light-skinned, person. Gender specificity wasn't a factor. The desire was equally common for both males and females. There's also no logical rationale for this preference. Whenever I asked about the preference, I was basically told the same thing : I DON'T KNOW or HE/SHE IS CUTE. It made no sense then and it makes no sense now. However, I do have a better understanding. We're taught what is supposed to be attractive or aesthetically pleasing. Unfortunately, not many challenge those mores. I've often wondered if it's intrinsic or if it's been so deeply embedded in us that it seems intrinsic.

So where do I fit in? I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. As a child, I always wanted to be darker. It may have had alot to do with my admiration of my brother but I can't say definitively. I used to wish I was as dark as he was. As you can see, I'm neither fair nor dark. But in my mind, I used to believe that I wasn't dark enough. During adolescence, I experienced a transition. The desire to be darker diminished and manifested itself into my idea of attraction. I did not find any male whose skin was lighter than mine attractive. Logical, right? My friends would ask me about it all the time and I found myself giving the same aforementioned responses I'd heard. I'd even defend darker girls who were called ugly by people in my neighborhood and at school.

I felt like Tupac was talking directly to me when he said "they say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. I say the darker the flesh, the deeper the roots." The statement is amazingly profound. But my justification for being drawn to darker flesh is in direct contrast to the message being sent because there is no true justification. My attraction has nothing to do with the intellectual depth of a man. It's actually shallow compared to the meaning of the statement because it's based on physical appearance alone. As an intellectually sound adult, I can now make this distinction. However, it's had no effect on my illogical attraction. I am thankful that this is only an aspect of my personal life. I couldn't imagine having to overcome something of this magnitude in every aspect of my life although I'm aware that it's a reality for some who have no shame in announcing it to any open ear. Malcolm X's mother has come to mind. She embodied a love for darker men that was essential to her core based on her own fair skin and the suffering and brutal treatment her family endured at the hands of white men. That's sound justification to me.

I'll revisit this topic after submerging myself into the book. I truly wonder if it'll have any effect on my views.
Until then, I'll keep Pac in mind.