Bigger & Me, Bigger in We - Still Dueling the Damn Duality

Last Saturday morning, up at 5, scrolling through the tv guide, I saw that Native Son was on. I'm not a huge fan of the movie but the book's been one of my favorites since I was 12. At one point, I was so fascinated by Richard Wright that I only wanted to read his books. He had a way of shaping his works to allow the reader to easily transition from onlooker into the main character's role. However, we all know there's a huge difference between reading a work and seeing the translation on film. I prefer books but I also appreciate the vision of filmmakers who bring books to the big (or small) screen.

Back to Bigger and his duality that's still embodied today. This scene incited an inner turmoil that's still there a week later. It may dissipate at times but I also know it's always there.

Here's the synopsis: Bigger is a chauffer for Mary's upper crust family. Mary's college age. She's involved with a young man, Jan, who's heavily involved with the social 'revolution.' Bigger drives Mary to pick up Jan who insists that Bigger looks him in the eye & call him by his name rather than 'sir.' Jan hops behind the wheel of the car, forcing Bigger to sit between him & Mary. He then asks Bigger where he likes to eat, and proceeds to one of the blackest, soul food joints in town. Needless to say, Bigger is OBVIOUSLY uncomfortable during the entire encounter. He can't look any of his people in the face at the restaurant and doesn't even acknowledge his boo when she recognizes & calls out to him.
***end incited scene***

How many of us have had anything similar to this happen in the past week? Month? Year? I don't believe anyone who says they haven't. It may not have been an incident at the same magnitude of Bigger's, but be it minor or major, it's happened.

Do you know anyone who sounds like a completely different person at work or school? Refuses to completely relax in public places like restaurants, movie theaters, or even grocery stores when certain races are present? Refuses to discuss ANYTHING race related in public, even the current presidential election?

At one point my brother couldn't stop clowning me because when he called me at work he didn't know who I was. We're all guilty. I kno there's a time and place for everything. So shouldn't it always be time to be ourselves? With societal pressures & social 'norms' it's damn near impossible. So what does that say about us collectively AND individually?

Bigger embraced himself and understood his position in his world at the end of his short life. For me, the tragedy is that many won't recognize the duality, and in turn can't understand or escape this duality.

Courage Under Earth, Wind, & Fire...and Water: The Girl's a Coward

What happened to the girl that didn't take any shit? Has anyone heard from that chick that didn't hold her tongue under any circumstances? The one who was brave enough to say how she felt, state her opinion while justifying her stance, walk away when absolutely necessary, & not compromise her integrity has officially left building. She's M.I.A. No note on the fridge. No lipstick on the mirror. No Fuck You letter to the world. Not even a mass DEUCES text. She vanished. No one knows what happened.

Here's what I think...

Word on the street is that she was starting to view everything she touched with fresh eyes. Someone heard her say that she felt like she stepped outside of herself & was seeing everything through a fishbowl. So what the hell does that mean? Sources say that she was starting to grow weary of the conflict brewing within, courtesy of external circumstances that weren't intentionally damaging but were in no way beneficial either. She began to question her loyalty to herself rather than to everything external.
If you ask me, she bitched out. She's a fucking coward.

If you ask her, she'll say the same.

In her own words: For a while minute, I succumbed to the elements of life. The earth, wind, fire, & water did exactly what it was supposed to do. Buried alive, digging my way out, each time the light betrayed the darkness I tried to see beyond it. A storm of dirt blinded and burned me upon contact. Defeated. Fetally protecting myself from the heat, struggling to see and escape the earthen tomb, there was sudden calm and release. Still buried, squinting through the darkness, peering toward the light, surrounded by a cool wet warmth, I tread. No room to swim. Barely able to see. Shielded by the only remaining element of protection, I tread.

Courtesy of one of the men who embodies and holds true to the Hippocratic oath. He's been a part of my life for 4 years. At 3pm on 3/15/12, he encouraged me to return to me...whenever it was, whatever I was doing...go back to me.

I did.

Bitch out no more.

Bitch for life.