Bigger & Me, Bigger in We - Still Dueling the Damn Duality

Last Saturday morning, up at 5, scrolling through the tv guide, I saw that Native Son was on. I'm not a huge fan of the movie but the book's been one of my favorites since I was 12. At one point, I was so fascinated by Richard Wright that I only wanted to read his books. He had a way of shaping his works to allow the reader to easily transition from onlooker into the main character's role. However, we all know there's a huge difference between reading a work and seeing the translation on film. I prefer books but I also appreciate the vision of filmmakers who bring books to the big (or small) screen.

Back to Bigger and his duality that's still embodied today. This scene incited an inner turmoil that's still there a week later. It may dissipate at times but I also know it's always there.

Here's the synopsis: Bigger is a chauffer for Mary's upper crust family. Mary's college age. She's involved with a young man, Jan, who's heavily involved with the social 'revolution.' Bigger drives Mary to pick up Jan who insists that Bigger looks him in the eye & call him by his name rather than 'sir.' Jan hops behind the wheel of the car, forcing Bigger to sit between him & Mary. He then asks Bigger where he likes to eat, and proceeds to one of the blackest, soul food joints in town. Needless to say, Bigger is OBVIOUSLY uncomfortable during the entire encounter. He can't look any of his people in the face at the restaurant and doesn't even acknowledge his boo when she recognizes & calls out to him.
***end incited scene***

How many of us have had anything similar to this happen in the past week? Month? Year? I don't believe anyone who says they haven't. It may not have been an incident at the same magnitude of Bigger's, but be it minor or major, it's happened.

Do you know anyone who sounds like a completely different person at work or school? Refuses to completely relax in public places like restaurants, movie theaters, or even grocery stores when certain races are present? Refuses to discuss ANYTHING race related in public, even the current presidential election?

At one point my brother couldn't stop clowning me because when he called me at work he didn't know who I was. We're all guilty. I kno there's a time and place for everything. So shouldn't it always be time to be ourselves? With societal pressures & social 'norms' it's damn near impossible. So what does that say about us collectively AND individually?

Bigger embraced himself and understood his position in his world at the end of his short life. For me, the tragedy is that many won't recognize the duality, and in turn can't understand or escape this duality.

Courage Under Earth, Wind, & Fire...and Water: The Girl's a Coward

What happened to the girl that didn't take any shit? Has anyone heard from that chick that didn't hold her tongue under any circumstances? The one who was brave enough to say how she felt, state her opinion while justifying her stance, walk away when absolutely necessary, & not compromise her integrity has officially left building. She's M.I.A. No note on the fridge. No lipstick on the mirror. No Fuck You letter to the world. Not even a mass DEUCES text. She vanished. No one knows what happened.

Here's what I think...

Word on the street is that she was starting to view everything she touched with fresh eyes. Someone heard her say that she felt like she stepped outside of herself & was seeing everything through a fishbowl. So what the hell does that mean? Sources say that she was starting to grow weary of the conflict brewing within, courtesy of external circumstances that weren't intentionally damaging but were in no way beneficial either. She began to question her loyalty to herself rather than to everything external.
If you ask me, she bitched out. She's a fucking coward.

If you ask her, she'll say the same.

In her own words: For a while minute, I succumbed to the elements of life. The earth, wind, fire, & water did exactly what it was supposed to do. Buried alive, digging my way out, each time the light betrayed the darkness I tried to see beyond it. A storm of dirt blinded and burned me upon contact. Defeated. Fetally protecting myself from the heat, struggling to see and escape the earthen tomb, there was sudden calm and release. Still buried, squinting through the darkness, peering toward the light, surrounded by a cool wet warmth, I tread. No room to swim. Barely able to see. Shielded by the only remaining element of protection, I tread.

Courtesy of one of the men who embodies and holds true to the Hippocratic oath. He's been a part of my life for 4 years. At 3pm on 3/15/12, he encouraged me to return to me...whenever it was, whatever I was doing...go back to me.

I did.

Bitch out no more.

Bitch for life.

WHITNEY

I had no intention of posting anything about Whitney Houston or her death, except to cite as the source of Tony Bennett's inspiration. After viewing the memorial service, I must. When I initially saw the headline on Yahoo about Whitney's death, I didn't believe it. I turned on the tv and CNN confirmed her passing. In a week's time, there has been so much speculation regarding the cause of her death. However, I love the fact that the memories of her music, movies, and milestones have overshadowed everything else. Regardless of how her body left this world, the legacy that she leaves behind is unmatched and will forever remain. To this day, I absolutely HAVE to have my Whitney's Greatest Hits cd ON MY COMPUTER AT WORK. I've been laughed at & told to put it on my ipod or phone. But I still prefer to copy the cd. I have no idea how many computers I've introduced to Whitney, definitely over 10.

In the end, Whitney Houston's personal struggles hold no precedence over her accomplishments. I won't say her "professional" accomplishments because it's clear to me that what we saw was a huge part of her life. Her bodyguard Ray was painfully honest in stating that celebrities give us their lives. Some can argue that we don't ask them to give their lives. True. But much is expected and demand. Not everyone can deliver. Nonetheless, Whitney delivered.

Does it even make sense to mention her accolades, awards, and excellence? For me, no. I will, however, mention one of the realest women to transcend Hollywood. Whitney was not ashamed to give anyone their props but she was aware of her own talent in comparison. Does anyone recall when Christin Aguilera sang "Run to You" during a Whitney tribute and Whitney took the stage to say "that was best rendition of Run to You I've ever heard, BESIDES MYSELF... That was a hilariously priceless moment for me. Homegirl Houston. Screw the Grammy's, AMA's, Billboards, and everyone on the other end of the microscope!She touched so many people in so many different ways. She let it be known throughout all of her trials that God and her family came first. I began to tear up while watching an interview in which Whitney thanked her mother for her love and support & expressed her gratitude. She also presented no delusions about her drug use. For that, she truly earned my respect.

I could not hold it together during several moments of the memorial service. I was completely overwhelmed at the end. After hearing so many people speak on Whitney's impact on their lives and seeing her exit the church followed by her family while "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU" played, I fell apart.

Lethal Legalities: “Let’s Legalize Drugs…” Courtesy of Tony B

"First it was Michael Jackson, then Amy Winehouse, now the magnificent Whitney Houston," he told the audience. "I'd like every person in this room to campaign to legalize drugs. Let's legalize drugs like they did in Amsterdam. No one's hiding or sneaking around corners to get it. They go to a doctor to get it."

Of all the events, people, politics, and goings on right now, I would have never imagined that Tony Bennett would be the driving force for me to hit “publish.” Some media outlets have taken this comment and tossed it into oblivion to focus on the events surrounding Whitney’s death. Others have downplayed the remark with a quick mention before it’s tossed into oblivion to make more room for the events surrounding Whitney’s death. Tony’s statement is one of the most asinine, yet unintentionally profound statements of the year for me. Unfortunately, Bennett got it twisted. So this miniature, microscopic outlet of mine will parlay it into an opportunity to address the widespread delusion of responsibility and accountability in regards to substance abuse.

Think about those two words: SUBSTANCE ABUSE. It does NOT matter if a substance is legal, illegal, prescription, OTC, etc. IT DOES NOT MATTER.

Kids are still sniffing glue. Would that be considered substance abuse? I know it's objective based on one's individual perspective. However, the legality of a substance has no bearing on the actual abuse or addiction. With absolutely no statistical data, I'm going to go with my gut and state that prescription drug abuse accounts for more than 50% of all substance abuse cases. This would fall into the category of "legal substances." However, so does alcohol, OTC drugs, glue, and food for that matter. I won't go into the difference between substance abuse and addiction. But both CAN be damaging, depending on the substance of course. Some refer to this as "battling demons," which is not exclusively used for drugs and alcohol. With that said, I'd like someone to notify Tony that people are hiding and sneaking around corners for alcohol, prescription drugs, and even food which can result in undesired consequences. However, I have yet to hear a story about someone dying from an overdose of marijuana. Go figure.

Somehow the meaning of responsibility has changed, especially in regards to personal responsibility and accountability. Ultimately, everyone is responsible for their own actions. I know we’ve all heard this thousands and thousands of times. But the meaning is evolving and adapting based on social & financial status. I’m aware that there are many situations and circumstances that would impair one’s ability to act responsibly. But it all begins with a conscious decision to participate. Unfortunately for celebrities, the "yes men" and minions make it easier for celebs to get their hands on the substance of choice to cope with whatever issues they're experiencing. Tony mentioned three celebrities. We all know that there are hundreds more celebrities and thousands of other people battling substance abuse. The Average Joe can get substances with little to no additional effort than from celebrities. Having a good support system is beneficial to those battling substance abuse. But there is always the possibility that, regardless of the amount or level of support, some people succumb to addiction and never recover. This is their decision and they must be held accountable for their own actions. We cannot always hold ourselves solely responsible for the actions of loved ones suffering from substance abuse, although we do.

It's not fame. It's not fortune. It's not success. It's not failure. It's the human condition.

Battling my own "demons" right now is a realistic reminder. I wish peace, understanding, and strength to anyone suffering and experiencing challenges arising from issues with substance abuse...especially the family, friends, and fans of Whitney.

*was i the only one hoping that Eddie Murphy would reprise his "Sexual Chocolate" role from Coming to America and crash the Grammy's with his soulful rendition of The Greatest Love of All?

Fat Free, Tax Free, Duty Free...Is Religion Free a Possibility?

I haven't been able to shake a thought that flashed in my mind recently. I wondered what the world would be like without religion. Is it a possibility?

I used to wonder why so many documents have an "optional" field to indicate your religion. In many instances it makes no sense to me regardless of the explanation used on the document.  A little light was shed during my employment at a hospital. Religious denomination was useful in interacting with patients from different cultures, backgrounds, and religious denominations. It was enlightening to adapt at times. Depending on the culture or religion of the patient, I'd have to speak only with a husband, brother, or father if the patient was female; I couldn't look some patients directly in the eye because it was a sign of disrespect; and I had to ensure that some female patients did not come into contact with a man at any point during their visit. There were significantly more but this gives an idea.

In the only hospital I've felt comfortable enough to be an inpatient, patients receive clergy visits before and after surgery as well as throughout their stay in the facility. It wasn't until recently that I decided to use my clergy visits to gain more insight. The great thing is that the clergy are usually representative of the patient's faith whenever possible. In the past, I've never refused a clergy visit while hospitalized. I've always stated how I was feeling and participated in prayer. Now I have questions that can't be definitively answered but it's interesting to hear the views of others.

The responses to the following two questions were so profoundly simple. They led to my own profoundly simple response.

-What do you do when you visit aetheists since they don't technically believe in God?  

-Do you think that it's possible to have a world free of religion?

In short, response #1 was that not many aetheists in the facility refuse visits from the clergy. The experience has been that the clergy ask the patient's preference and move forward accordingly. Surprisingly, they aren't asked not to pray often either. Although they may not believe in God, they believe in something. Response #2 was that believers have to be aware of "being religious" versus "religion." The idea of religion varies across the board as does being religious. But being religious carries with it the responsibility of understanding and tolerance with no room for hatred.
(*I wanted to talk about religious zealots but I decided to save it for a later date that hopefully doesn't come too soon.)

My profoundly simple statement (which isn't my label or terminology):

It is more than possible to have a world free of religion but not a world free of belief.  

If You Don't Know Me By Now, We May Have Something in Common

In a brief 15 min break today, I began to think of how well the average person really knows him/herself. Naturally, I turned the tables on myself and thought of how well I know me. In a recent hilariously heated conversation, I was asked "damn, do you ever say anything you don't really mean?" Heated because the inquisitor was serious. Hilarious because the inquisitor was DEAD serious & somehow convinced that I haven't changed in a damn decade. I started to think of how often I say things that I don't mean. Initially I came up with never. After thinking a minute, I realized that it's relative based on the context. I decided to ask a friend, whom I used to depend on to break the monotony of my day, but I didn't get much of a response. Nevertheless, I realize that I'm not as accommodating as I once was. I don't believe that I've changed at my core. Rather, I'm more closely in sync with it. But those I've known at length, definitely see it as a change. I will admit that I sometimes surprise myself with how detached I can be. It's never intentional but I'm more than sure others will beg to differ. I used to love to talk talk talk talk talk like it was an Olympic sport. Now, not so much...especially, in regards to my own shit. I just don't prefer to do it anymore because it's never-ending and will lead to questions on top of questions on top of questions. Had anyone told me this a decade ago, I wouldn't have believed it. So who knows? THEN me doesn't know NOW me. It'll be the same when NOW me becomes THEN me.

Not Black Like Me, Black Like Them : Confronting the Color Complex

I purchased a book titled "the darkest child" by Delores Phillips. I'd never heard of it, which is part of the reason I got it, in addition to the interesting theme examined in the novel. An impoverished young girl of ten siblings experiences prejudice and abuse at the hands of her mother because of her appearance. Although I haven't started reading it yet, the synopsis immediately forced me to think about prejudice and discrimination within the Black community and my own personal battle.

As hard as it may be to believe, I have a color complex that I still battle with today. In fact, for as long as I can remember, I've always had a color complex. Typically, the overwhelming color complex for Blacks is to be prejudiced toward those with darker skin. Unfortunately, it's one of those things that some won't admit but it's very much alive today. Those with fairer skin are preferred and even treated differently than those with darker skin. It's the classic house nigger vs field nigger controversy that's been perpetuated for centuries.

Growing up in New Orleans, I realized that the majority of people I came into contact with wanted to be with a "red," or light-skinned, person. Gender specificity wasn't a factor. The desire was equally common for both males and females. There's also no logical rationale for this preference. Whenever I asked about the preference, I was basically told the same thing : I DON'T KNOW or HE/SHE IS CUTE. It made no sense then and it makes no sense now. However, I do have a better understanding. We're taught what is supposed to be attractive or aesthetically pleasing. Unfortunately, not many challenge those mores. I've often wondered if it's intrinsic or if it's been so deeply embedded in us that it seems intrinsic.

So where do I fit in? I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. As a child, I always wanted to be darker. It may have had alot to do with my admiration of my brother but I can't say definitively. I used to wish I was as dark as he was. As you can see, I'm neither fair nor dark. But in my mind, I used to believe that I wasn't dark enough. During adolescence, I experienced a transition. The desire to be darker diminished and manifested itself into my idea of attraction. I did not find any male whose skin was lighter than mine attractive. Logical, right? My friends would ask me about it all the time and I found myself giving the same aforementioned responses I'd heard. I'd even defend darker girls who were called ugly by people in my neighborhood and at school.

I felt like Tupac was talking directly to me when he said "they say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. I say the darker the flesh, the deeper the roots." The statement is amazingly profound. But my justification for being drawn to darker flesh is in direct contrast to the message being sent because there is no true justification. My attraction has nothing to do with the intellectual depth of a man. It's actually shallow compared to the meaning of the statement because it's based on physical appearance alone. As an intellectually sound adult, I can now make this distinction. However, it's had no effect on my illogical attraction. I am thankful that this is only an aspect of my personal life. I couldn't imagine having to overcome something of this magnitude in every aspect of my life although I'm aware that it's a reality for some who have no shame in announcing it to any open ear. Malcolm X's mother has come to mind. She embodied a love for darker men that was essential to her core based on her own fair skin and the suffering and brutal treatment her family endured at the hands of white men. That's sound justification to me.

I'll revisit this topic after submerging myself into the book. I truly wonder if it'll have any effect on my views.
Until then, I'll keep Pac in mind.