New Year, NO NEW ME!

Overcrowded gyms, overflowing bakery treats getting stale, nearly empty shelves on the Fitness and Nutrition aisles in grocery stores, and hearing "OH WELL, I TRIED" before February is not something I'm looking forward to this year. I've been on a mission to end the "NEW YEAR, NEW YOU" yearly plague since early October. I don't have a problem with anyone resolving to make a change to better their lives. However, I do have a problem with the Capitalism and Consumerism merry-go-round from October 1 - January 31 each year. Of course I've been on that ride for many years, usually resolving to lose weight and become healthier. I've fallen into the trap of purchasing gym memberships, nutritional supplements, and exercise equipment many times, only to result in wasted money. I'm sure some will say it's my fault that I didn't stick to my resolution at times. I agree 100%.

I made the decision to take a stand and not be sucked in by the glitz, glam, and even guilt of the billions of marketing dollars at work. The "NEW YEAR, NEW YOU" season is as profitable as holiday shopping for the thousands of advertisements that remind us of our flaws and imperfections. So my stance is simple. There are 365 days to focus on bettering your life, be it health related, your career, or losing a few pounds. Focus on bettering yourself year-round rather than waiting until January 1st and feeling pressured to change your entire life in thirty days.

So to those attempting to play on any of my insecurities and get into my pockets, I say HELL NO! A new year is just that - A NEW YEAR. I don't need a NEW ME. Just a better me, in ways that I see fit, WHEN I choose to begin my journey. JOIN ME!

(*I'M BLOGGING AGAIN! I'm excited to see where my thoughts will take me. I can't believe it's been 18 months. I'm leaving a few of my old posts up for a while to remind myself of where I was mentally on my previous blogging venture.)

It's a Thirty, Thirty World

Some say it's a dirty, dirty world. Some days I'm inclined to agree. With egregious acts justified by love, hate, jealously, revenge, faith, or sheer curiosity, I find myself agreeing more often than not. Especially being literally surrounded by orange, brown, and yellow dirt that seems undisturbed from its original placement of beauty and purpose.

On today, I'm continuously humble, grateful, and thankful that I'm here to experience and contribute to everything this world has to offer. Many have not lived to possess 30 years. For them, I am reminded that each day I simply exist and not live, I commit an egregious act upon myself.

So with the 30 years I carry with me today, I refuse to exist. I'm going to live in my thirty, thirty world.

appall in afghanistan

that's the first thing that came to mind when I saw the story regarding the woman publicly executed in afghanistan for alleged adultery. it seems pointless to ask if that's really the world we live in because sadly the overwhelming answer is yes. the sheer calculation of such an act is physically, mentally, and emotionally sickening and enraging. i say calculated because such an act could never be random. 150 primarily male onlookers. decapitated. bullet riddle corpse. female. woman.

in no way am I stating that i would condone such an act with a male victim. but the fact that a man accused of the same crime wouldn't have the same result is also at the forefront of my mind. i'm not familiar enough with Afghan laws to even know whether or not it is a crime for a man to commit adultery. But I can't fathom this punishment for either sex.

how can i, as a woman, begin to process this? a heartbreaking statement was that Afghan girls and women heavily rely on the international community to protect the progress they've made in the past decade regarding their rights and safety. how, i ask, can the international community combat something like this?

blame has primarily been placed upon the taliban. but even with that knowledge, even if it were confirmed that the taliban is responsible, how can this be rectified? can anyone truly be punished for such an atrocity?

soldiers will die. rebels will die. innocent men, women, and children will die. at what end?

this isn't the rant of a woman with no hope or faith. but, on the contrary, a more reflective one. i've come to the realization that simply because there will never be a true "end" to a war doesn't mean there's no reason to fight.

¿Is It Just Me?

5/8/12. Up at 3:30. Finished that last episode of The Borgias. Mentally prepared myself for the day I knew I was gonna have. Kited off to see one of my doctors. Hoped for good news. Needless to say, news wasn't that great. Not bad, but not great. Pretty much what I expected.

Sitting in the doctor’s office is somewhat a mentally cathartic experience. I gave up the need to have someone accompany me long ago. So I’m alone with my thoughts in the all too familiar environment. Most people don’t know that if they get a random text or email from me out of nowhere, I’m usually in the doctor’s office or hospital. For some reason, the strangest things seem to cross my mind. I tend to be a little too reflective. I start thinking about our time here, all the things that go undone, and all the things that are never said. So naturally, I give in and let my fingers do the walking. Recently, I was told that I ask questions that don’t have answers. Huh? I disagree. I ask questions that some tend to not WANT to answer due to the possible fall out, positive or negative. So yesterday, I decided to just jot down all the questions that popped into my head while I was being poked & prodded.

Questions. No answers.

Is it just me or is there really no privacy in the most "exclusive" doctor's offices? Why are looks of pity given to the pregnant woman with the toddler? Where is her husband? WHERE IS HER HUSBAND? wtf? Why is the quadruple standard primarily perpetuated by women? What does that missing ring mean? What do those rings mean? On a hand? In a drawer? Do they mean the same thing? Eternity on? 5G's off? How far can I get with 5G's? Where do I wanna go? What do I wanna do? Who do I wanna do? Here? There? Him? Did he ever get it? Did I really have to spell it out? Are some things truly better left unsaid? If so, what things? Things like physically connecting with someone from the past? Physically connecting? Fucking? Huh? Back to the quadruple standard?

Character Assassination: Friday 13th Still Hauntin' Me

It's been over a week and there's something that I just can't shake. I figure if I release it in a different way, I'll be able to keep it pimpin. I'm not VERY superstitious but my Friday 13th started off horribly wrong and stayed that way, courtesy of a misunderstanding that led to my character being assassinated, no MURDERED. It all boiled down to the paranoia & naturally negative thinking of women (or little girls), in my opinion.

Last Friday I decided to be a sweetie pie & call one of the men I love bright & early to say Good Morning, Hey, Hi, & Hello. I suppose I should mention that I saw him about a month ago and didn't have much to say to him, which actually had nothing to do with him or the reason that somehow incorrectly came to be why I had nothing to say. As I proceeded to explain what was going on at the time, I mentioned that there was something I wanted to talk to him about personally but didn't really feel comfortable doing it in front of his girlfriend. Again, this is NOT the reason I didn't say much to him. But unfortunately it seemed to be all he heard.

One thing I've never been accused of is not being direct, unless I explicitly decide it's not worth it. I'm somewhat notoriously known for saying how I feel regardless of the situation. With that said, I was accused of "saying slick shit" toward the gf. Apparently she's told him "so many times that I don't like her." My first thought was literally HUH? AFTER ALL THIS DAMN TIME? REALLY? He then went on to say that he doesn't necessarily agree with her but can see her point because I have been know to "say slick shit." He also believes that she handles it the right way but ignoring it and then told me to consult with someone else for verification of what he was saying. I WAS F*CKING FLOORED.

Here's why...

She and I have been hot & cold since day one. The first night I met her, I had gotten into town really late and hadn't seen him in a while. They happened to be walking to the car as I pulled up. There were introductions. He then told me that he was going to bring her home, which was about 30 minutes away. My response was "Dang you gotta go all the way out there?" From that moment, homegirl swore I didn't like her. He told me how she felt and I assured him that it wasn't the case. I offered to talk to her about it but he forbade me. I chalked it up to her being in high school and possibly a little immature. She also had no idea who I was or what my personality was like, which is somewhat similar to hers - minus the paranoia.

So four years later, the bullshit continues. I literally see this girl a maximum of four times a year and not much is said. I think there may be a negative influence from reality tv or something...maybe sheer delusion. At one point, I would go out of my way to try to talk to her to relieve some of the tension. For a hot sec, it seemed to work. A HOT SEC. At this point, it's hi and bye. Over the years, I've gone so far as asking her if I offended her in any way, to let me know if she felt like I was being rude or negative, and if she would prefer that I don't say anything to her. This was all at different times but I felt like I reached out to the chick more than enough. How much more direct can ya girl be? But somehow I DON'T LIKE HER? I think this is a clear case of transference. She clearly doesn't care for me, which is more than fine. I'm assuming that the shady shit and negative attitude that she's displays when he isn't around has to be justified in some way. So to me, that has to be what happened for him to feel so passionately about it and maintain that I don't like the chick. I've seen him three times in the past year since he's away right now. So he could only be receiving this information from her. I went so far as to consult the recommended source who was equally clueless. There were things mentioned from the VERY beginning but nothing within the past couple of years on my end, especially the visit last month.

It doesn't bother me if homegirl doesn't like me, doesn't have shit to say to me, or doesn't want to be around me. However, I DO have an issue with throwing mentally engineered salt in me & his game. What's the point? What's the end game? I think this type of shit is perpetuated in the media so much that chicks really feel like it's necessary to orchestrate personal shit so there's some type of social value to their lives. Little girls learn in kindergarten that there are evil little bitches that aren't going to like them for various asinine and idiotic reasons. What does mama say? Stick to your shit, chill with your click, and keep moving. There's usually some type of insecurity within these chicks. But this case makes no sense to me at all. What bothers me is that he and I have such a good relationship, that him being upset makes me upset.

We talked about it. He said it's done. So I say it's done.

One of my favorite all time lines is from One Mic by Nas: ...TALKING ALL THAT SLICK SHIT THE SAME WAY THESE BITCHES DO. WONDER WHAT MY SECRETS IS? NIGGAS'LL MOVE ON YOU. ONLY IF THEY KNOW WHAT YOUR WEAKNESS IS. I HAVE NONE.

With that said, I don't dislike anyone. But I will reserve a special place for those who choose to lie and attempt to assassinate my character. My only words at this point, are for young women to PLEASE stop watching so much reality tv and trying to base your life off those shows. Kudos on the assassination attempt. Great aim. Straight to the vest. BULLETPROOF.

Bigger & Me, Bigger in We - Still Dueling the Damn Duality

Last Saturday morning, up at 5, scrolling through the tv guide, I saw that Native Son was on. I'm not a huge fan of the movie but the book's been one of my favorites since I was 12. At one point, I was so fascinated by Richard Wright that I only wanted to read his books. He had a way of shaping his works to allow the reader to easily transition from onlooker into the main character's role. However, we all know there's a huge difference between reading a work and seeing the translation on film. I prefer books but I also appreciate the vision of filmmakers who bring books to the big (or small) screen.

Back to Bigger and his duality that's still embodied today. This scene incited an inner turmoil that's still there a week later. It may dissipate at times but I also know it's always there.

Here's the synopsis: Bigger is a chauffer for Mary's upper crust family. Mary's college age. She's involved with a young man, Jan, who's heavily involved with the social 'revolution.' Bigger drives Mary to pick up Jan who insists that Bigger looks him in the eye & call him by his name rather than 'sir.' Jan hops behind the wheel of the car, forcing Bigger to sit between him & Mary. He then asks Bigger where he likes to eat, and proceeds to one of the blackest, soul food joints in town. Needless to say, Bigger is OBVIOUSLY uncomfortable during the entire encounter. He can't look any of his people in the face at the restaurant and doesn't even acknowledge his boo when she recognizes & calls out to him.
***end incited scene***

How many of us have had anything similar to this happen in the past week? Month? Year? I don't believe anyone who says they haven't. It may not have been an incident at the same magnitude of Bigger's, but be it minor or major, it's happened.

Do you know anyone who sounds like a completely different person at work or school? Refuses to completely relax in public places like restaurants, movie theaters, or even grocery stores when certain races are present? Refuses to discuss ANYTHING race related in public, even the current presidential election?

At one point my brother couldn't stop clowning me because when he called me at work he didn't know who I was. We're all guilty. I kno there's a time and place for everything. So shouldn't it always be time to be ourselves? With societal pressures & social 'norms' it's damn near impossible. So what does that say about us collectively AND individually?

Bigger embraced himself and understood his position in his world at the end of his short life. For me, the tragedy is that many won't recognize the duality, and in turn can't understand or escape this duality.

Courage Under Earth, Wind, & Fire...and Water: The Girl's a Coward

What happened to the girl that didn't take any shit? Has anyone heard from that chick that didn't hold her tongue under any circumstances? The one who was brave enough to say how she felt, state her opinion while justifying her stance, walk away when absolutely necessary, & not compromise her integrity has officially left building. She's M.I.A. No note on the fridge. No lipstick on the mirror. No Fuck You letter to the world. Not even a mass DEUCES text. She vanished. No one knows what happened.

Here's what I think...

Word on the street is that she was starting to view everything she touched with fresh eyes. Someone heard her say that she felt like she stepped outside of herself & was seeing everything through a fishbowl. So what the hell does that mean? Sources say that she was starting to grow weary of the conflict brewing within, courtesy of external circumstances that weren't intentionally damaging but were in no way beneficial either. She began to question her loyalty to herself rather than to everything external.
If you ask me, she bitched out. She's a fucking coward.

If you ask her, she'll say the same.

In her own words: For a while minute, I succumbed to the elements of life. The earth, wind, fire, & water did exactly what it was supposed to do. Buried alive, digging my way out, each time the light betrayed the darkness I tried to see beyond it. A storm of dirt blinded and burned me upon contact. Defeated. Fetally protecting myself from the heat, struggling to see and escape the earthen tomb, there was sudden calm and release. Still buried, squinting through the darkness, peering toward the light, surrounded by a cool wet warmth, I tread. No room to swim. Barely able to see. Shielded by the only remaining element of protection, I tread.

Courtesy of one of the men who embodies and holds true to the Hippocratic oath. He's been a part of my life for 4 years. At 3pm on 3/15/12, he encouraged me to return to me...whenever it was, whatever I was doing...go back to me.

I did.

Bitch out no more.

Bitch for life.